Relationships are Hard. Ego is Harder.
Posted: Thursday, July 23, 2009
by Louis Alloro
http://www.CoachLouis.com
I posted this on Facebook yesterday . . .
Relationships are hard. All types. (Am eager to know what y'all think about this as I write this week's newsletter, so speak up - please.)
. . . because I wanted to see what would happen.
But as soon as I posted it, I realized something interesting:
* Isn't the fact that I say Relationships are hard part the very reason they remain so? *
There are certainly other variables that come into play that make certain relationships difficult. However, the language piece is HUGE. Words create worlds. They lead to beliefs and beliefs are what keep us in certain realms of reality.
* Remember Santa Claus? *
I was talking to a friend of mine today who was telling me about issues shes been having with a co-worker-slash (/) friend. Usually an interesting relationship, because loyalty is often naturally split.
My friend told me of the complications here, namely that the co-worker is perhaps a bit jealous of my friend. However, in this work situation my friend is slightly subordinate in the organization, and so her co-workers slightly jealous ego plays in big-time.
* Survival of the fittest, anyone? *
A large part of our instinct is to WIN - to end up on top - to be the best. I must be the best or I can never be the best or f@#k the best each have huge ramifications.
Ego is a reality for all of us. Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle says we are waking up to this. Ego always gets in the way in many ways and sometimes in ways we are not even aware of. Sometimes, ego makes us hypocrites: saying one thing (i.e. believing) and doing another (i.e. reality).
* Whats up with your ego? *
Consciousness and mindfulness are first steps in tapping into this. Look at the quality of the relationships in your life. What's getting in the way?
Ego inhibits relationships, the one we have with ourselves and the ones we have with others. Often ego disguises itself as fear, which keeps us in the realm of ordinance. Fear is simply the ASSUMPTION that the future will be dismal - that it will play out in the worst possible scenario as opposed to the best possible.
Consider my friend and the co-worker: things *could be different. My friend *could decide to speak up, but fear of losing her position and fear of losing her friend stand in the way of what she really believes: that she deserves better.
* How do you deserve better? *
Someone once taught me a cool banking metaphor: that when the withdrawals being made from your account are greater than the deposits, then perhaps the relationship is over.
But are they really ever over? How can relationships ever go fully away, even when they end? Someone so much a part of you is never really gone. What YOU do with it is left up to your own intention and will. Most often, we simply need to YIELD to WHAT IS, but oftentimes, this is difficult for us and we hold on to the story of what was, never really able to move on.
My own relational experiences have been highlighted in techno-color lately. Don't know what exactly it is, but I have been uber conscious of me, and me + other(s), realizing patterns I never really knew existed. Getting in touch with my own ego this way has been a scary and exciting process. Scary because its making me face my fears and exciting because space is opening up for me to have what I deserve - namely love.
* Maybe you're ready to start some intentional psychological calisthenics on this with me? *
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Heres what my community on Facebook have to say about relationships being hard . . . some really insightful things. Thanks, guys for your contributions - they have opened my eyes.
Patience and compromise. Lose one of those and the relationship becomes impossible. Damian Possidente
Relationships show exactly what we need in our lives. They can give us the greatest lessons; they allow us to be loved and vulnerable, they show us the mirror of our souls. Mary Anne Flanagan
The secret to a good relationship is . . . balance. Jeremy McCarthy
Relationships are hard as hell. Approach your relationship as a partnership, mutually trying to put your partner's interests ahead of yours every day. Brian Oakes
I think they are a lot easier when you are involved with people that have similar energy and vibrations as yourself. The sucky part is.... that doesn't always happen, as we get used to being in sucky ones which draws more suckiness...but the more one gets to know oneself and break out of the pattern of suckiness....well, relationships become so much easier and beautiful and full of love..... Caroline B. Younger
I think they are only hard when one or both refuse to let go of their ego and preconceived notions at the door. Emily Gerrett Calderone
You have to love yourself first. Matt King
If it has open communication and respect for each other's opinions it wouldn't be so hard - for any type of relationship. Roberto Mosquera
In order to find what one seeks from another, one must truly look & discover their emotional addictions (we all have them) & walk the tough path in releasing them- only then will anyone experience the beauty of a relationship fully & know the difference between drama & true passion (two very different things) Shane Killoran
Yes they are hard but should not be so hard as to make it not worth it. Ken Hatton
Relationships we have aren't just with loved ones and those who play big roles in our lives - Mom, Pop, Rocco, Coach Uncle Louis, my beautiful Godson Christopher, etc. - but everybody we communicate with throughout the day. I feel it's important to remember this. These smaller relationships are just as important. For example, yesterday I was at Starbucks and the lady at the register was all flustered and rushed and apologetic. So I didn't sigh and get all dismissive, but I made her laugh and actually dragged the transaction out a bit with some fun conversation. She goes " are you from around here? " " Uh no, why do you ask " " Because people aren't usually that nice to me " , she says with a smile. Feed out the positive in all your relationships, and you get it back. Amazing. And it feels so damn good. Brian DeLaura
When thinking of relationships, the one thing that comes to mind is how hard it's always been for me to find people I can truly relate to; someone I can relate to so intimately I can see myself living with for a long time - well, the key was to, first and foremost, be committed to the idea itself that what I was looking for was a meaningful, long lasting, happy relationship; the second most important thing was to invest my time with people who were openly looking for the same thing... well, I also got lucky this time around because he is wonderful - but we keep it up by talking a lot and listening a lot, knowing that the other isn't perfect really helps and we've established rules for when we have arguments or are upset at one another - we don't yell, and we never disrespect each other or say things that are obviously mean or spiteful. Marta Ferreira
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